August 08, 2003

The Shape of Things to Come

Evolutionary scientists (with, one can only assume, far too much time on their hands) have recently theorized a possible reason that the human penis is shaped the way it is (with the slightly larger glans at the tip). Apparently, this design is particularly effective, when used in conjunction with a thrusting motion, at scooping out any semen that might already be inside the vagina-- and, reasoned the scientists, if that semen belonged to another man, you'd be giving your own boys more of a chance.

The researchers tested their theories by constructing an artificial vagina and filling it with a cornstarch solution of a similar consistency to semen (earlier attempts at finding actual women to fill with cornstarch solution had apparently proved unsuccessful). Then, using a variety of latex penises-- some with so-called 'coronal ridges' and some without-- they performed thrusting motions in and out of the artificial vagina and measured the amount of cornstarch mixture removed, giggling for most of the time.

The 'headless' penis cleared only 35% of the mixture, while the 'normal' penis cleared almost 90%. The researchers also point to a correlate in another study which suggests that men thrust more vigorously when they have been away from their partners for an extended period of time. These men, claim the researchers, are sub-consciously trying to rid their girlfriends' vaginas of other mens' semen. The alternative hypothesis-- that men are more energetic after time away from their partners because they haven't had sex in a long time and are particularly horny-- went untested, largely because all but one of the researchers had never even kissed a girl (they were too busy in high school with their 'Artificial Vaginas Club').

Other experts in the field (yes, this is, apparently, a legitimate field of study) are dubious. Remarked one sceptic: "Don't be ridiculous. The reason the penis has a head is to stop your hand sliding off".

Yes, this is a real-life piece of published research-- for the real story, see


At 9/6/07 13:11, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OpenSource Vagina: A Lubricant-Free, Mess-Free Design for Humans

The priorities of this project were, in order:
-Simulating the sensation of a vagina without the use of fluid lubricants (fluids require too much cleanup, and cause fermentation issues)
-Ease and speed of cleanup, reloading, and general maintenance
-Mess containment
-Simplicity and economy of construction
-One size fits almost all
-Minimal size

What were not priorities:
- Simulating the appearance of a vagina.

-9" length of 2" diameter PVC tubing
-Slip cap for 2" diameter PVC tubing
-2 x 6"x12" slippery smooth flat nylon fabric
-14" of 4" width elastic ACE Bandage (NOT self-sticking variety)
-4 safety pins
-Rubber band

-Hand saw

Saw two parallel 5" slits opposite each other on one end of the tubing. Use sandpaper to remove all rough edges.

-Cut the 14" length of elastic bandage in half (so you have two 7" pieces)
-Fold one of the above 7" pieces in half, make in to a tube by safety-pinning top and bottom together anywhere between 2.5" and 3" from fold, depending on how tight you want it to feel
-Repeat above step for other 7" piece
-Slide a portion of each of the elastic bandage tubes it's full length (4") down the slit, on opposite sides from each other. The remaining portion of each elastic tube will naturally go around its half of the outside of the PVC tube
-Fold to double-thickness each of the 12" slippery nylon fabrics, then slide the folded ends 4.5" down the two slits BETWEEN the elastic bandages
-At the opening of the Artificial Vagina, pull the excess nylon fabric over to their respective sides (to get them out of the way). A rubber-band around the PVC tubing should keep the fabric from flopping around
-Check (with your fingers or any broomstick like appendage) that there really is a clear path straight-through the vagina and all the way down through the PVC tubing
-Fill the slip cap with toilet paper, and slide it gently on the far end of the tube

After use, prop the tube upright on the slip cap to allow drainage to the tissue. In a few minutes, take off the slip-cap, throw away the tissue, and either let it dry or just reload the cap with tissue for immediate reuse.

-It can greatly enhance sensation to put a thin spongy or fluffy material in the space between the elastic bandage and the inside of the PVC tube. This is because adds a compression squeeze to the tension squeeze afforded by the the bandage. Try it first with only one side
-Consider making two or three Artificial Vaginas to have ready in case one requires drying-out time
-Baby powder or corn starch can reduce friction in the artificial vagina
-Try different fabrics for sensation. Teflon, for instance, might be ideal in moisture repellance and friction. The main issues is how they deal with moisture; nylon tends to get a very high friction component when wet, ruining sensation. ALWAYS be sure to avoid toxic materials
-Try coatings for the fabric, spray-on (like silicon spray), powder (graphite), or soaked (hair conditioners). ALWAYS be sure to avoid toxic materials


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