January 20, 2004

Cosmo Sex Advice: Kiss my Ass!

God, am I getting tired of reading about how lousy men are in bed. Of course they're lousy in bed! How could they not be when there are five gazillion different sex advice columns out there? With that many people writing sex columns, there's got to be a pretty good chance that the 'quality' of said columns is not always going to be high. Item: from Netscape Love & Personals:

Women's Top Ten Sexual Complaints, By Patty Lamberti

We polled a group of women about what irks them most in the bedroom. Here are their biggest sexual grievances and how you can avoid committing such mistakes:

. . . Foreplay? What foreplay? Think of a woman as a crockpot that needs to be warmed up.


"Honey, I'm feeling amorous. Go turn the oven on." That'll get her in the mood.

He can't find my G Spot It's not a myth. Take some time to explore her body. Ask her over and over if you've found it.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

He sticks his tongue in my ear to turn me on. What movie made you think this was appealing? Sure, a gentle tongue lap dance on the earlobe can be nice.

A gentle *tongue* *lap* dance on the *earlobe*? I don't even think that's physically possible! Why not throw in a few extra bodypart names, just to make things clearer? "I'm going to give you a sensual back massage on the elbow shin." Christ!

He's done too quickly. What she cares about is your ability to keep going.

...So forget about all that mushy love crap.

We always do it the same old way. Women need variety.

SO WHY DO YOU GIVE THE SAME DAMN ADVICE IN EVERY SINGLE BLOODY COLUMN YOU EVER WRITE?!

Ahem. That is all.

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