February 28, 2004

Charlton Heston Did All That Work For Nothing...

In a recent democratic debate, Rev. Al Sharpton attacked President Bush's call for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Sharpton claimed that Bush wanted to 'gay-bash', continuing:

"What about the other ten commandments? Let's make a constitutional amendment against presidents that lie."

Um, excuse me, Reverend Sharpton? Which one of the ten commandments is it, exactly, that prohibits homosexuality?

Honestly-- can any shmuck with a funny collared-shirt become a reverend these days, or what?

February 24, 2004

Suspicious? You Will Be!

Those kooky evolutionary psychologists are at it again...

From Netscape Love: The No. 1 Way to Hide an Illicit Affair

In a . . . study, psychologists from Florida Atlantic University figured out there are 91 ways to hide an illicit love affair from your unsuspecting spouse . . .

For those of you who aren't trying to cheat on your one true love, but would want a clue if he or she is unfaithful to you, here are the hints to watch for:

Women beware if your husband talks about spending 'quality time' together. More than anything else, this is the hallmark of a cheat.

So be sure to slap him and call him a bastard if he ever takes an interest in your life and hobbies. That's a surefire way to stop him cheating.

Men be concerned, be very concerned, if your wife suddenly demands more sex, seems unusually attentive to you, and wears her wedding ring more often than she did before.

Um... Is it just me, or does that pretty much describe a newlywed? That's it, Popular Media, sow the seeds of distrust early!

On a side note: I'm no evolutionary psychologist, but I think if your wife ever takes off her wedding ring to begin with, that's probably a pretty good sign that things aren't going so well.

Sigh... Somebody really needs to smack these people in the face.

February 17, 2004

Attack of the Synonyms

I was in my Italian class this afternoon, and I overheard one of my fellow budding italophones going on the following rant:

"I hate when the teacher gives us two words and tells us they mean the same thing. What's the point in that? Why would you have two words that mean the same thing?"

You're right! You are so correct! Why would anybody do that? Why would anyone conceive of something so unnecessary, so superfluous? It seems so silly; ridiculous, even. It's as if the sole and only reason for doing it is to confound and confuse the people studying and learning Italian. Whoever knows (or is aware of) a tongue-- you know, a language?-- that does something so annoyingly and frustratingly ostentatious (or showy, if you prefer)?


[NB. You will probably not be shocked to learn that the student in question is an engineering major].

February 16, 2004

Now We Can All Relax...

From BBC NEWS | Scotland: Miners strike 'spoils' US holiday

A former trade unionist has called off his holiday to the US because American officials are unhappy he was arrested during the miners' strike 20 years ago . . .

When he asked consulate staff if his brush with the police would be an issue, the news was not good . . .

The 69-year-old was arrested and detained during picketing incidents outside the Bilston Glen Colliery near Edinburgh in 1984.

Well, glad to see the department of Homeland Security is still doing such a bang up job. A member of a trade union? Everybody knows that's just a euphemism for 'communist'. And since 'communist' is just another word for 'dangerous fundamentalist terrorist', it's clear that this man is a serious threat to Americans everywhere, despite being 69 years old.

I mean, for God's sake. Do you think the real terrorists are going to dutifully present themselves at the nearest US embassy to see if their plans to destroy a small portion of the population will cause any problems with their visa application?

Keep up the good work, George.

February 15, 2004

I Knew There Was A Reason We Kept Philip Morris Around...

Has anyone seen the anti-smoking advert aimed at kids that's been on TV recently? You know, the one that features all the attractive, healthy, wandered-off-the-set-of-Blossom-looking teens talking about how much they hate smoking?

Well, I've seen it so many times now that I've kind of started to tune it out, but it was on during the Simpsons today and I realized, with a shock, that one of the last lines in it is a girl saying something like:

"8 out of 10 of us don't want to smoke, 8 out of 10 of us don't need to smoke."

My God, this is awful... apparently, 20% of teenagers actually require tobacco to live! Do they know which ones?


February 13, 2004

It's Because He Has No Genitalia, Isn't It?

From MSN Entertainment: Barbie and Ken 'Split'

Russell Arons, vice president of marketing at Mattel, said that Barbie and Ken 'feel it's time to spend some quality time-- apart.'

...To better reflect her single status, [the latest] Barbie will wear board shorts and a bikini top, metal hoop earrings, and have a deeper tan.

Yeah, because tanned surfer girls who walk around in a bikini all day can never get boyfriends...

Arons hinted Wednesday that the separation may be partially because of Ken's reluctance to get married.

I'm sorry, this man is in charge of marketing for a multi-billion dollar transnational company? 'Hee-hee, look at the little dollies! Oh no, one of them's sad. Now they're having a fight. Girl dolly doesn't like boy dolly anymore. Hee-hee-hee!'

I guess this proves that Barbie really doesn't come with Ken.

February 06, 2004

We Will Not Breast Until Someone Has Answered For This!

A Tennessee woman has filed a proposed class action suit against those behind the ohmygodiamsodamnboredofhearingabouthowoutrageousitwas Superbowl halftime show last Sunday, which featured an unscheduled appearance by Janet Jackson's right breast, playing the role of John Madden.

Now, obviously I would never dream of getting outraged over the absurd litigiousness of Americans without looking at all the facts for myself, so I found a copy of the brief online and had a look at it. It alleges:

"Defendants' conduct violates regulations of the FCC which pursuant to 18 USC Section 1464 govern and prohibit broadcast of such outrageous acts during events such as the Superbowl . . . As a direct and proximate result of the defendants' violation of these regulations, plaintiff and the plaintiff class have suffered injuries and damages."

Well, fair enough. I mean, it is true that FCC regulations were violated.

"As a direct and proximate result of the broadcast of the acts, plaintiff and millions of others similarly situated, saw the acts and were caused to suffer outrage, anger, embarassment and serious injury."

...Hmm, that maybe sounds like a bit of a stretch...

"Moreover, because defendants knew that the Superbowl and the Superbowl halftime show would have a worldwide audience and knew that for much of the world, these events would reflect the standards and the reputation of Americans abroad, plaintiff and members of the plaintiff class have been defamed by the defendants and have suffered injuries and damages to their reputations as Americans."

...Whoa! Slow down there, slick!

"Defendants knew or should have known that the standing and credibility of Americans in the world would be harmed as a result of the defendants' self-indulgent and self-serving acts."

Yeah, you're right. I think all those suicide bombers are probably doing what they're doing because of the outrage they feel at one second of blurry footage of a breast. Come on:

"They've ruined our fine reputation as arrogant, fat, obnoxious jerks! Now wherever we go in the world we'll be greeted by the cold stares reserved only for arrogant, fat, obnoxious prudes!!"

As for the smut being 'forced' upon millions of unsuspecting, upstanding citizens-- well, I think the prosecution will have a hard time proving that, given that by Monday Janet Jackson's breast had become the most searched for image on the internet... ever (as reported by Lycos, Yahoo and Google). It seems that the only thing that outraged most Americans about Janet Jackson's flashing was that they didn't get to see more of it.

My God, this is ridiculous.

February 05, 2004

You Know You're In Canada When...

I was out ice-skating tonight (on a frozen body of outdoor water-- which is pretty Canadian in and of itself), and I witnessed none other than the following:

A four-year-old boy struggling desperately in a pair of junior hockey skates, while his father shouted at him to do better in-- get this-- Quebecois!

If Norman Rockwell had been Canadian, that would have been his A-grade material for sure.

February 03, 2004

Department of Double Standards

From Netscape Celebrity, regarding the recent appearance of Janet Jackson's boob:

Said the FCC's Powell on NBC's 'Today': "I'm glad everybody is sorry. I'm sorry, too; it was a sorry incident. But if the standard were that you could do whatever you wanted to and if you apologized the next day that ends all further inquiry, we'd have a really poor enforcement program."

Meanwhile, a representative from the White House made frantic 'stop talking' gestures at Powell, then went into apoplexy and collapsed.

February 02, 2004

What? I Pay Rent All The Time!

(The following is taken from a parenting advice column...)

From MSN Family | Raising Kids:

I allow my 15-year-old daughter to go on dates as long as she's in a group and they don't go to movies...

Ummm... I've got news for you lady. If she's with a group of people and they're not at the movies, it's probably not a date... It's an orgy.

...In the last six months she's had four boyfriends...


...and I recently learned that she's been kissed twice...

Okay, maybe not an orgy.

...Although her stepfather is affectionate, her own father is not. Is my daughter seeking affection from boys to replace something missing from a paternal figure?...

Is popular psychology great!?

Is it normal to want to be kissed and touched so soon?

Where were you when you were fifteen?

Man, I should get a job doing this. It's so easy!