April 29, 2004

He's Going to Consumo Him!

Because, honestly, does it really matter what he's saying?

April 27, 2004

The British Public Is At His Every Beckham Call

From BBC NEWS | Entertainment | "Arts": Sleeping Beckham makes art debut

The National Portrait Gallery (dear God, I wish this wasn't true) has recently put on display a 'video portrait' of English footballer, media sensation and all-round ladyboy David Beckham. The video is of Beckham sleeping, and lasts one hour and seven minutes. It will be displayed on a continuous loop for the next year at the Gallery.

The "artist"/creepy stalker responsible for the video, the androgenously named Sam Taylor-Wood, called the piece a "reverential and vulnerable image". She claims she made the work to show Beckham in a new and different way from how the media portrays him; she wanted to create a representation of him that was more intimate, less public, and shirtless.

The director of the National Portrait Gallery, the androgenously named Sandy Nairne, describes Taylor-Wood's work as "compelling". He continued, "She gives us the chance as viewers to be very close to him, almost examine him, in a way that would not be possible." Mr Nairne then looked longingly at the video and began to jerk off all over it.

Mr Beckham was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy being gorgeous.

April 26, 2004

By Popular Request...

. . . Deep and Personal Insight Into Me!

I was born in Britain, in what is now considered (I'm told) the place to be if you're young and homosexual. What this proves, I'm not entirely sure, but I'll bet it's very offensive.

I spent most of my life as a precocious young Ladd, happily skipping through the streets of Edinburgh. With my fanatic interest in Star Trek and startlingly ridiculous haircut, my popularity at school was (as you might expect) unbearable, and I responded in kind-- during my final year of primary school, the girl who sat next to me in class was awarded almost thirty identical compliments in a class survey: "Good at putting up with Andrew".

My secondary education began in much the same way, albeit involving the added complication of a maroon blazer. Then, in my third of six years, I discovered a whole realm of humour outside the timeless and classic fart joke, and the transformation was remarkable. Masturbation jokes: you changed my life.

By the end of secondary school I had gone from chubby and shy to thin and skanky. Under the combined guidance of Underage Drinking and Bad Club Music, I had been labelled a cocksure and shameless sexual predator, and I responded in kind-- during my final year the girl I sat next to in the common room was awarded several identical comments in her yearbook: "Good at not going out with Andrew".

From there I moved to Boston, where I attended Emerson College, whose charming unofficial student motto is: "Gay in four years or your money back". I transferred out after two, which I suppose must make me a bisexual.

Now, after twenty years, I am an opinionated and adroit sociology major with a penchant for using French mots justes in my writing. I enjoy puns, bananas, and telling lies in my blog.

Oh, and I think your sister is hot.

April 21, 2004

...And Cocaine Is Like Stealing Stuff For Kleptomaniacs!

Seen on Netscape News:

Bravo, science.

The Continuing Adventures of 'Exotic Other'

The Associated Press (bless their little souls) reported this week that the Australian Prime Minister John Howard has been cursed by an angry aboriginal woman "known only as Moopor". The woman, painted with traditional "tribal" make-up, cursed Mr Howard during a campaign visit to the outback by silently pointing an inch-long bone at him. Mr Howard, apparently unaware that this was a bad sign, smiled and waved at the woman before getting into his limo and driving off.

Although Moopor has refused to speak to reporters, "citing unspecified Aboriginal cultural reasons", a member of the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Commission told the press that Mr Howard should "ignore the message at his own peril".

Later, the Prime Minister's office issued a statement, which read: "Man, those aboriginals sure are kooky, huh?"

In other news, recently deceased academic and author of Orientalism Edward Said, has reportedly started spinning in his grave.

April 18, 2004

The Stuff Bad eMail Forwards Are Made Of

In a little over one week, I will have officially completed my first year at what is arguably one of the finest educational institutions ever to have been founded by a Scottish fur trader. And, because everybody knows that an ability to make lists demonstrates intelligence almost as reliably as an ability to use a highlighter, I thought I would go over some of the profound knowledge I've gained in the past eight months.

1. Identical twins freak me the f*ck out (see what I mean about profound knowledge? This stuff is deep).

2. Oh, that's what that's for!

3. People take you more seriously if you're not wearing a silly hat.

4. Putting together Ikea furniture is simple: just follow the instructions exactly, and all the pieces will slide together neatly and easily. If not, you've probably done something wrong. Like buy furniture from Ikea. (Whoa, ZING! Take that, Ikea!)

5. When you write a blog about the interesting things you hear and do, it is extraordinarily hard to make stimulating conversation with somebody who reads your blog without worrying that you're repeating yourself.

6. If you take away the Parisien accent, Francophones really don't sound that smug, after all.

7. I'm not entirely sure why I used to enjoy Star Trek so much.

8. Disliking Quentin Tarantino really does stunt your social life.

9. No matter how hard you try, you just can't stop doing this to yourself.

10. If you have a class with somebody who frequently makes inappropriate sexual remarks to you, pretty much the worst thing you can do is turn up with a banana in your pocket.

April 17, 2004

I'm Listening

By order of a Condordia student (isn't that always the way?), you may now leave . . . shudder . . . your comments. Go nuts.

April 13, 2004

The Easter Funny

Because Photoshop is the best procrastination tool ever, I offer a quick review in pictures of how the world celebrated Easter this year.

To make their chicks more festive, farmers injected a harmless coloured dye into eggs...

In Venezuela, an Easter procession turns ugly.

Meanwhile, at the Vatican, pilgrims line up...

...To see the Pope and his brand new Pope-mobile.

April 05, 2004

Benefits of Living By Yourself, No. 485

I've become quite enamoured with listening to my iPod while I do dishes. It turns it into less of a chore, and more of an attack of dance-fever. If any of you are having trouble picturing this (frankly, hilarious) mental image, let me help:

1. Watch TV for long enough to see one of those iPod adverts with the dancing silhouettes (this will take five minutes or so).

2. Instead of a silhouette that looked like it just walked out of a Gap advert, imagine a silhouette of me (a subtle difference, mainly involving smaller hair and more buttons fastened).

3. Instead of holding an iPod, imagine the silhouette holding a sponge.

4. Imagine the silhouette dancing in a way that resembles a stereotypically awkward, grooveless, white guy (for, alas!, I am so). As part of the silhouette's dance moves, flecks of water and soapsuds should periodically become spattered all over its shirt.

5. Every now and then, the silhouette in your head should, in the midst of a particularly ambitious and limb-flailing dance move, curse loudly as it drops a dish.

For the love of God, somebody buy me a dishwasher.

Jennings, You Nostalgic Bastard

Out of curiosity, I watched the first five minutes of "Jesus and Paul", the ABC special I mentioned last week; and it is pure TV gold, I tell you!

It begins with a brief monologue from Peter Jennings about how lucky he is to have three whole hours in prime time with which to bore us. Then, it cuts to the title before launching into a description of Jesus's childhood, while showing shots of modern-day Nazareth and (and this is the great part), playing Joan Osborne's 'One of Us' softly in the background.

Do you think it's a coincidence that ABC decided to show this on the first day of Passover, or did they do it on purpose?

Lookers-on Got Prayed by the Water

No caption necessary.