May 15, 2004

Olsen Family Fun

I know people have been counting down the Olsen twins' eighteenth birthday for quite some time now-- but given that June 13th is a mere twenty-seven days away, and given that Mary-Kate just announced on SNL that "it's only four weeks 'til we're legal!" (classy, by the way), I thought it was about time to remind everybody of...

The Top Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn't Have Sex With the Olsen Twins

1. Believe me, by the time you find them, they will already have the clap.
2. If you wait another three weeks, Lindsey Lohan will be eighteen too-- and she's way hotter.
3. They've touched Steve Guttenberg.
4. You will be a walking cliche for the rest of your life.
5. They filmed a movie in Rome two years ago. The age of consent in Italy is only fourteen. You do the math.
6. Ashley is sooo fat.
7. Mary-Kate is, uh . . . a klingon.
8. They were in a movie called How the West Was Fun.
9. Unless you plan to marry them first, you'll go straight to hell.
10. The Make-a-Wish Foundation has dibs on their virginities, anyway.

Edit: 11. Because I just think it would be really really funny if they turn eighteen and nobody has sex with them.

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