June 28, 2004

. . . And Your Star Sign Can Predict Your Favourite Soft Drink

From Netscape Home & Real Estate: Junk Food You Eat Reveals Your Personality

According to an eight-year, 800-subject study conducted by very weighty psychologist Alan Hirsch, the type of junk food you prefer can reveal deep and meaningful truths about you as a person.

If you like pretzels, you're probably a flirt, according to the study (as in the pick-up line "Is that a pretzel in your pocket, or are you just pleased t--give me that f*cking pretzel, f*ckface!"). On the other hand, a penchant for potato chips means you're assertive and won't take no for an answer; and tortilla chips indicate a perfectionist (which explains why Mexico is in such good shape these days).

But, my two favourites are:

"Cheese curls mean you have great integrity and maintain a high moral ground."

. . . As can be easily proved by observing any of the world's millions of greasy-faced, orange-smeared philosophy students, and . . .

"Beef jerky means you're the life of the party. You're outgoing and gregarious."

There you have it, folks: the secret to social success is beef jerky. Introverts of the world, go! Go chew on over-processed meat and your problems will be solved!

This is why nobody has any respect for the social sciences.

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