June 21, 2004

An Open Message To Some Of My Former Schoolmates

Hello. Hi. How are you?

Yes, I'm just back for the summer. I've been away in Canada. No, not for a year out. Yes, I'm actually at university there. Why, yes; it is cool!

*Chuckle* Yes, I have picked up a bit of an accent. Please, tell me about it, like your seventeen compatriots already have. Indeed. Do I say 'have' with a Canadian accent? How trite.

So what are you doing now? Still at univeristy? Uh-huh. Mmmm. You know, I will have forgotten all this by the time I'm having this same conversation with the next insincere 'friend' that crosses my path. Oh, come now. You don't really give a shit either. You probably only remember my name because the hostess told you.

I'd offer to buy you a drink in order to maintain this veneer of cameraderie, but you seem to have had enough already. Then again, at least if you're drinking, you'll have to stop blowing cigarette smoke in my face.

Dear me, that is a short skirt! It's almost as short as your plunging neckline is low. By the way, I applaud your lack of bra. Very left-wing. Very Germaine Greer. Very . . . Oh! No, don't worry about it. An integral part of breaking in a brand new suit is having vodka-lemonades spilt down its front.

Look at that; you're coming on to me. How nice.

I have a girlfriend now, though. Almost three years. Yes, it is 'ages'. Too bad for you. Perhaps we could have had some time together if you'd told me you felt this way when we were at school. But I had no idea. When I asked you out and you said no, I thought that meant you weren't interested. You must have been playing hard to get. But now it's too late. So sad. Especially given that I've lost some weight and had a haircut since then.

What? Yes, I think that is Fraser. He does look great, doesn't he? I think-- oh, okay. See you later, then. It was wonderful to talk to you. Until next summer . . .


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