September 30, 2004

Wrestling With the Issues

Those of you awaiting with glee tonight's Presidential debate are in for a disappointment: the most important debate to take place at U Miami's Coral Gables campus happened last night.

Yes, on Wednesday evening, elected officials, students, and, most importantly, WWE superstars gathered at the Florida institution for this year's 'Smackdown the Vote' election debate. Attendees responded to the responses by Presidential candidates to the responses of young people to the questions posed by researchers who responded to the call for research from the Smackdown the Vote campaign-- giving the event the dubious honour of having the most convoluted debate topic, ever.

The Miami Herald reported on the debate:

"[Wrestlers] Foley and Bradshaw expressed their arguments with conviction and made their points in an entertaining, yet educational manner. Wrestling terms were cut to a minimum with the exception of the occasional 'Whoo!' or when Foley referred to Bush's current run as, the 'Suck it' presidency."

After the debate, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon offered his impressions:

"Unlike what you'll have [Thursday] night, this was a real debate with real people . . . Real people who happen to be particularly adept at fake, choreographed wrestling."

McMahon continued: "'We have [George W.] Bush and [John] Kerry. I'm sure they are both honorable individuals . . . It's unfortunate we only have those two to choose from. If we had [WWE Champion John] "Bradshaw" [Layfield] and [WWE Superstar Mick] Foley to choose from as well, America would be a better place."

He really did say that, too.

September 29, 2004

Set Phasers on Pun!

In a somewhat surreal cultural recombination, William Shatner is flogging cereal to unsuspecting (and, I suspect, confused) British people. And it sounds like he's quite enjoying it:

"Two short weeks on my higher fibre diet helped me feel lighter and more energetic."

Well, that is positively more information than I wanted to have about William Shatner.

Be sure to hit up the official Shatner/Bran Flakes website at, where you can watch all three TV spots featuring 'The Shat', and even sign up for Bran-a-licious updates from Bill himself!

September 28, 2004

Silent Bob Distraught

On last night's episode of The Tonight Show, host Jay Leno made the shocking announcement that he would be stepping down from his duties in 2009.

Leno explained his decision: "In 2009, I'll be 59 years old and will have had this dream job for 17 years." He then quipped, in his characteristic unfunny style, "Plus, I promised (my wife) Mavis I would take her out for dinner before I turned 60." At that point Kevin Eubanks laughed so loud that he had to sit down.

It was also announced that Leno's successor for the hostship would be Late Night's Conan O'Brien (easy, Jerry). In response to the announcement, O'Brien did a weird little dance, made a joke that nobody really understood, and then urged his babies to "be cool".

When the handover occurs in five years' time, it is widely expected that nobody will continue to give a shit.

September 26, 2004

Three Uses of the Word 'Broken'

For some reason my FTP server has died, so there are no graphics on the site for the moment. Hopefully it's just a temporary problem-- was also mysteriously inactive yesterday, so perhaps the Canadian part of the internet is just broken.

Donny Osmond has broken into the UK top ten singles chart for the first time in thirty years. Marie Osmond has broken into Macy's New York and is threatening to dance unless they start selling her line of porcelain dolls.

More later.

September 23, 2004

Whatever Happened to the B Through E Bombs?

From Netscape Careers:

Since I've been at the centre of a Google-fuelled controversy lately, after telling a certain overly weighted person to "fuck off . . . just fuck off", I found the above article on Netscape rather interesting.

Part of my defense in the off-fucking scandal was that the post was never meant for a wide audience, merely for my close group of friends that reads the blog. This didn't really pass muster amongst some of my critics, but now, researchers in New Zealand have legitimized my claim (and in a very timely manner, I might add!).

The researchers were studying conversation patterns of a work team at a soap factory. They found that, although the word 'fuck' is commonly considered one of the most offensive swearwords in the English language (clearly by people who haven't spent time with true vulgarians such as myself), using the word in particular contexts can actually build group cohesion:

"Since the basic attitude in the group was one of friendliness where the workers genuinely liked and respected one another, they could use such oaths without being rude or insulting."

So, in the interest of strengthening our relationships, I'd like to say to all my critics (and to my friends, for that matter): a hearty 'fuck off'.

September 21, 2004

Fragments and Hairstyles

It has recently emerged that comedian Rodney Dangerfield has been in a coma for several weeks, following a heart operation. A statement released Monday read:

"Gee, I haven't been in hospital for this long since the last time I ate at Denny's! It's rough, I tells ya!"

Meanwhile, reports on a number of "crackpot ideas" (way to report objectively, guys!) devised by amateur hurricane watchers to combat the deadly storms:

"Suggestions have included coating the surface of the water with olive oil; towing an iceberg down to Florida to cool down the water temperature; or building large fans on the coast to blow away approaching storms.

'And then there was a guy who called and said he could pray them away,' said Hugh Willoughby, a research professor with the International Hurricane Center at Florida International University."

Is it just me, or does Hugh Willoughby sound like someone who is tired of talking to crackpots? I particularly like this, in response to the suggestion that we nuke hurricanes: "Hurricanes are bad enough without being radioactive," Willoughby said (presumably with a very large sigh and a shake of his head).

September 20, 2004

Yet More From The 'Seen on Netscape' Dept...

Man, that is one mean milkshake.

I bet it wants John Kerry to win the election, too.

The War on Kerry

From Hastert's al Qaeda comment draws fire

House Speaker Dennis Hastert made a "silly" and "disgraceful" comment Saturday, according to Democrats, when the Republican claimed that al Qaida wanted John Kerry to win the November election.

"Hear that, America?" asked Hastert at his Saturday Illinois rally. "Only TERRORISTS vote for John Kerry! Are you a TERRORIST? Because if you want John Kerry to win, you must be a TERRORIST." Dick Cheney stood sagely in the background, motioning for the crowd to 'raise the roof'.

Hastert's spokesman, John Feehery, tried to clairfy the matter, saying that the comments "were consistent with the speaker's belief that John Kerry would be weak on the war . . . If John Kerry is perceived as being weak on the war, then of course, his election would be perceived as a good thing by the terrorists."

The statement continued: "It therefore follows that, because the terrorists hate the current administration, we must be doing a great job in the war on terror. Ipso facto, QED, vote Bush."

The allegation that John Kerry would be a weak leader in the war on terror is one that Kerry has responded to decisively, with fiery rhetoric along the lines of: "Well, what I think the American people really want, is to talk about the issues. You know, the talking points. The key matters. Concerns. Questions." Although Kerry's response doesn't really address the Bush campaign's accusations, or attempt to allay fears that potential swing voters might have, it sure does get a big cheer from the Democrats.

Sigh... I want the Republicans out, I just wish the Democrats could muster one compelling reason to vote for Kerry other than "he's not Bush" (which is all very well, but it's hardly going to make Bushites think twice, is it?).

September 17, 2004

Trying to GOP a Feel

. . . President Bush suggests the closet. Or, better yet, the dumpster in the alley behind party HQ. Cheney, on the other hand (and to his credit), at least backed down enough to admit that the question of whether or not to allow gay marriage was one best left up to the individual states. His daughter then returned his heart medication.

In other news, a Spanish man recently tried to sue his wife for withholding sex from him for five days, alleging that her behaviour contistuted 'domestic abuse'. His case was shelved by the judge, and the man was ordered to serve forty hours of community service for destroying the mystique surrounding Mediterranean men, and their Don Juan-like romantic abilities.

Is anybody else already sick to death of the presidential campaign? I haven't really been paying attention, but if I hear one more thing about cheap sandals...

September 16, 2004

Roy Story

In an interview last night with Maria Shriver (presumably picked for the job because of her knack for understanding ridiculously comical European accents), illusionist Roy Horn finally came forward to talk about his tragic tiger-mauling accident last fall. What new, fascinating personal details did Roy reveal about the incident?

"It was unfortunate that [the tiger's] teeth hit my carotid artery."

Gee, thanks Roy!

Roy also claims that he had a near-death experience on the operating table, following the tragedy-- but didn't die because his "wings for being an angel were not quite ready." The wings were being prepared for a new segment in the duo's show, by the same Las Vegas company that created Wayne Newton.

In other news, the USDA has apparently decided to give up trying to get a copy of the tape of the mauling (one can only imagine what they want with it). They were more or less forced to concede defeat when two Nevada senators threatened to ammend a spending bill with the condition that Siegfried and Roy's privacy be protected-- which is just too absurd to even warrant a punchline.

Oh, and just because I don't have time to deal with another internet scandal, I'd like to say that I bear no ill will and mean absolutely no offense towards Maria Shriver, Germans, Austrians, Roy, Siegfried, tigers, Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, Heaven, the USDA, Nevada, public officials connected with Nevada, punchlines, carotid arteries, spending bills, privacy, hospitals, tragedies, or half-ton men. But don't get me started on nipples.

Fucking nipples.

September 14, 2004

Infamy, At Last!

Rather bizarrely, my humble little blog here has suddenly gained a much higher profile than it used to have. Type in "Patrick Deuel" on Google, and the ninth result (of almost ten thousand!!!) will be a link to this post that I wrote last month, about the 1,072-pound man from Nebraska.

I'm assuming, therefore, that the post has been linked to elsewhere, and probably by people who don't like me very much, judging from the two comments that have thus far been left (eg. "One day your maker will judge you! You had better pray He has mercy on your pitiful cold soul").

If anybody has any idea where all this sudden attention is springing from, do let me know. Until then, I'm getting back to burying my head in the books.


September 09, 2004

It's Too Much To Blair

I admit I may be a little slow on the uptake with this one, as the site I'm about to link to appears to have been around for at least a year now. On the other hand, is as hilarious as it is bizarre, especially to a pseudo-Brit like myself.

Basically, it's a place for grateful Americans to give thanks to the British PM, because "when the call came to stand and be counted, the United Kingdom came to our side". Visitors to the site can submit Thank You messages which, at the end of every week, are printed out on real paper (wow!) and shipped to Downing Street.

Some notable excerpts from the 47,609 (!!!) messages sent so far:

"We proudly display a British flag next to our American flag on our pickup truck."
- Wisconsin, USA

"I understand a member of your party resigned over your stand on Iraq. If you are short handed, I would be glad to serve with you (on a temporary basis)."
- Connecticut, USA

"Somewhere, Winston Churchill is smiling proudly."
- Washington, USA

"We will always be as one with England." [apparently that whole 'revolution' thing was just a bit of a laugh]
- Washington, USA

"You are at least half the man that Maggie Thatcher was!"
- Florida, USA

"(By the way, does England make good wine? I've been unable to find any since I refuse to buy French.)"
- Connecticut, USA

"You're no lap dog in my estimation. You're a swingin' dick!" [what?]
- Washinton, USA

"You should consider moving to Texas. Also, I absolutely love your Frosted Flakes cereal."
- Texas, USA

"I thought Thatcher was good. You're gooder."
- Arizona, USA

You have to wonder.

September 08, 2004

Cheney Him Up, And Throw Him in the Brig

The screenshot is from Netscape. I'm not really sure where the pirate thing came from.

In an impassioned attack on the Democratic Presidential Candidate, the Vice-President said the following:

"Vote for Kerry, and there will be a terrorist attack on US soil about, oohhhhh, say nine months after he takes office. You wouldn't catch that happening with our administration. No siree bob."

In a follow-up statement, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan mooned reporters.

September 04, 2004

First Family Smothered By Giant Metaphor

I tried telling Alison she had eyes like the sound of six billion orgasms. She looked confused.

September 02, 2004


By the way, I think the honesty on the cover of this month's Maxim is admirable:

"Over 500 nipples! That's almost two per page!"


Come On, Guys! Are We Republicans Or Republican'ts?

I know this a day or two short of being topical, but...

After the now infamous 'Winnergate' incident a few days ago (in which the president said: "I don't think you can win [the war on terrorism]"), Mr Bush backtracked ever so slightly in a speech to veterans in Tennessee:

"Make no mistake about it, we are winning and we will win. We will win by staying on the offensive, we will win by spreading liberty." As an afterthought, Mr Bush then added, "Win win win! Win winny McWinnerson!", giving the biased right-wing media conspirators their choice of juicy soundbites for the evening news.

Meanwhile, the First Lady continued campainging for her husband at a lunch in her honour in New York. Mrs Bush is seen as key to the Republican campaign, as she strikes a much more popular figure than the evil ketchup Nazi Teresa Heinz-Kerry (Karl Rove's words, not mine).

Um, hi-- America? Little bit of a heads-up for you, here: you should vote for a president based on his ability as a president, not on how cute/sympathetic/admirable his wife is. I mean, for God's sake, would you pick a brain surgeon based on his wife's cocktail-party-schmoozing ability? Would you pick a lawyer according to his wife's cup size? So, please, for the good of the country, don't vote for Bush just because Teresa Heinz-Kerry reminds you of Maris Crane.

And, on that note, to lunch.

September 01, 2004

Shouldn't It Be 'The Prince And I'?

I find that the best way to get through long, transatlantic flights, is to watch the movie-- because no matter what movie it is, it will occupy at least a sixth of your flying time. It also means, of course, that you're at the perverse and sadistic mercy of your airline's taste in movies.

Which is how I came to watch The Prince and Me today. It is, predictably enough, predictable; an awful, sugary romantic comedy that can't stop rubbing its own clitoris for long enough to realize that it's in full view of hundreds of people. It begins with a rather contrived juxtaposition of Julia Stiles driving to a wedding in a pick-up truck, and the Prince of Denmark drag-racing through the streets of Copenhagen (which have been closed off just for his Higness's amusement). It's clear from the start that Edvard (note the comically pronounced foreign name, thankfully shortened to 'Eddie' for most of the film) is meant to be a cross between James Dean and Prince William (the latter, especially, because the whole Danish royal family speak RP English that's as impeccable as it is inexplicable).

From then on, the plot follows a well-worn path: Prince wants to sow royal oats with unsuspecting American girls; Prince falls in love with bookwormish American girl; American girl hates Prince at first but warms to him for reasons unclear and ends up making out with him in a barn in Wisconsin; Prince wins tractor-racing competition; girl and Prince almost have sex in a library; girl discovers Prince is a Prince, becomes incensed that she's been lied to, and runs off into the rain; reconsiders after five minutes and flies to Denmark to marry Prince (it's sort of like Coming to America, but shit).

What is truly unfathomable is why the ordeal doesn't end there. But no, instead of just leaving us with the first happy ending, we are given half an hour of limp Cinderella story, with Ms Stiles swanning around Denmark and living the life of a queen-to-be. Slowly, she realizes that the life of a Queen is not one she wants, particularly-- she has her own goals and dreams (you go, girl!) that she must return to Wisconsin to pursue. So she breaks up with the Prince and leaves Denmark. For literally, about three of the most pointless minutes of screentime in the movie (which is really saying something). Then the Prince comes back to America to find her, feeds her some romantic mush along the lines of "Oh, go on," and she falls back into his arms again. The end (best line: "Chemistry is more than a class, you know-- and you two have it.")

The thing that really grates on my nerves is not just that the premise is so patently absurd, but that the movie takes itself so seriously. I have no problem with absurd movies-- I just saw Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, too, and I found it to be one of the most hilarious and enjoyable movies of the year, so far. But Dodgeball works, because it knows it's absurd, and it just all out goes for it.

Anyway. That's all for now. Check back tomorrow for some witty political satire! And more genital jokes! Woot!