September 16, 2004

Roy Story

In an interview last night with Maria Shriver (presumably picked for the job because of her knack for understanding ridiculously comical European accents), illusionist Roy Horn finally came forward to talk about his tragic tiger-mauling accident last fall. What new, fascinating personal details did Roy reveal about the incident?

"It was unfortunate that [the tiger's] teeth hit my carotid artery."

Gee, thanks Roy!

Roy also claims that he had a near-death experience on the operating table, following the tragedy-- but didn't die because his "wings for being an angel were not quite ready." The wings were being prepared for a new segment in the duo's show, by the same Las Vegas company that created Wayne Newton.

In other news, the USDA has apparently decided to give up trying to get a copy of the tape of the mauling (one can only imagine what they want with it). They were more or less forced to concede defeat when two Nevada senators threatened to ammend a spending bill with the condition that Siegfried and Roy's privacy be protected-- which is just too absurd to even warrant a punchline.

Oh, and just because I don't have time to deal with another internet scandal, I'd like to say that I bear no ill will and mean absolutely no offense towards Maria Shriver, Germans, Austrians, Roy, Siegfried, tigers, Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, Heaven, the USDA, Nevada, public officials connected with Nevada, punchlines, carotid arteries, spending bills, privacy, hospitals, tragedies, or half-ton men. But don't get me started on nipples.

Fucking nipples.


At 21/9/04 22:18, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey asshole, I happen to have nipples, okay?

At 22/9/04 16:18, Blogger Andrew said...

Did I say nipples? I meant cripples.

At 22/9/04 16:20, Blogger Andrew said...

JOKE! That was a joke! Please, no irate comments!


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