December 08, 2004

Still Doing a Superb Job

From BBC NEWS | World | Middle East: Troops grill Rumsfeld over Iraq

In a pep talk gone horribly, horribly wrong, beleaguered Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today faced some tough questioning from US troops called up to assist Freedom's march. In an exBostonian satire exclusive, I present here the full transcript of the event...

Rumsfeld: In summary, then, uh, you should, uh, be proud that you will be helping to win the test of wills in Iraq. It's kind of like that 'chicken' game, you know? It's like, how strong is your will? How many things can go wrong in Iraq before you start flinching? You know, it's like . . .

Soldier 1: Sir, why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to uparmour our vehicles?

R: I, uh... what?

S1: Why do we have to scavenge local scrap heaps for armour for our tanks? We don't have proper armoured vehicles to carry with us north.

R: Well, you know... You have to go to war with the army you have, not the army you want. You're thinking of evidence. You go to war with the evidence you want, not the evidence you have. Besides, you can have all the armour in the world on a tank and still be blown up. I mean, it would just be a waste of money to equip you with state of the art technology-- you're probably going to die, anyway. It's sort of like, there are things that we know, and things that we don't know. And things that we know we know, and things...

S1: God, never mind.

R: Any other questions?

Soldier 2: My gun doesn't seem to have a trigger.

R: I'm sorry, that was a statement, not a question. Next!

Soldier 3: What assurances do we have that our tours of duty won't be extended beyond what we've been initially told?

R: Ah, excellent question! Now that Powell's leaving, we're expecting this whole Iraq business to go much more smoothly-- before it was really too many cooks spoiling the broth, you know? But Condie, she's a woman! So we can leave all the cooking to her! Am I right?

S3: Umm...

R: Anyway, you don't have to worry about your tours of duty being extended past four years, because the President aims to have the world completely the way America wants it by the end of his term.

Soldier 4: I voted democrat. Do I still have to fight?

R: Well... We haven't really settled on a policy about this, yet. I mean, we'd be glad to be rid of you, frankly, but at the same time we're not sure we want our war being fought by a bunch of freedom-hating hippies.

S4: Sir, I believe hippies are widely regarded as being in favour of freedom.

R: Oh, don't be ridiculous. I've seen the way they live, locked up in barns with no TV. That's not freedom!

S4: Sir, I think you're thinking of the Amish.

R: Oh, hippies, Amish-- what's the difference? None of them use shower gel.

Solder 5: Sir, I'm a Satan-worshipper. What's the Army's position on that?

R: Oh, the US Army doesn't approve of that at all. You'll be wanting to join the hippie army.

S5: You mean the British army?

R: Oh, hippies, Britons-- what's the difference? None of them brush their teeth.

Nurse: Mr Rumsfeld? It's time for your bath.

R: Ah, wonderful. [To audience:] You guys are all doing a bang-up job. I'll make sure you get the nice, plywood coffins.



At 8/12/04 16:06, Blogger Mariana said...

You are still doing a superb job!

I don't know why my blog isn't working. I'll assume it's due to the general database problems they seem to be having.

At 9/12/04 13:23, Blogger Andrew said...

As usual, you are too kind.

Although it's true that your front blog page isn't working, your individual post pages still are, as is your XML feed. So keep writing-- we can still read!


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