January 31, 2005

Grin and Blair It

From BBC NEWS | "Politics": Blair surprised by lippy welcome



While visiting a small village near Manchester, the British Prime Minister was left speechless after a charity worker lunged forward from a crowd and planted a big juicy kiss, right on his adorable, pseudo-socialist lips.

The charity worker, a Miss Jean Peterson, then began moving towards Deputy PM John Prescott, who promptly punched her in the face, as is his custom.

Mr Blair had no comment on the situation, other than that it had given him a giant hard-on.

January 28, 2005

Conversations With Greatness XVI



I know it seems a little obvious, but I'm particuarly pleased with this one.

January 27, 2005

Department of Inane Comparisons

Seen, as always, on Netscape:



I think the more important question is: who can eat more deer testicles?

My laptop's back, safe and sound! Hurrah!

January 26, 2005

Other Names For A Quarter and Outdated Hairstyles

First of all, another 'seen on Netscape' gem:



Take that, aphorisms!

Second, I think this is my favourite line from any film review, ever (commenting on the recent Marvel vehicle, Elektra):

"The role needs a steely, inhuman reserve, and Garner's innate likeability works against her. Even when she's taking aim with a bow and arrow, she looks like she might be thinking about kittens."

And finally, is anybody else disturbed by the fact that JK Rowling's husband looks like an awkward, middle-aged Harry Potter?

January 25, 2005

It Burns! It Burns!

Tonight is Burns' Night in Scotland, that time of the year when we Scots ward off winter depression by getting shit-faced and celebrating the work of a dead poet, rather grandiloquently known as 'The Bard'.

Or, as the BBC are reporting today, by getting shit-faced and suddenly thinking it a good idea to splash out £250 (a shade under $500 US) on some whisky-soaked sheep entrails. A trendy Scottish-cuisine restaurant in London (a sentence so full of contradictions, I'm not sure where to begin) will tonight be serving portions of haggis, cooked in some rare, 50-year-old whisky, and donating the proceeds to (as if I even need to tell you) tsunami relief. (Because, you know, some tsunamis really have trouble peeing.)

And if you can't afford to shell out for the extravagant dish, chef John Paul McLachlan will be happy to urinate in your mouth, instead:

"We plan to give every diner a wee taste."

*drum riff*

Burns' Night celebrates the life and work of prolific Scottish writer Robert Burns. Burns' famous works include Tam O' Shanter, Address to a Haggis, and A Red, Red Rose. Burns, of course, is most famous for his recurring role on The Simpsons.

January 21, 2005

Conversations With Greatness XV



The sad thing is, I think the first three panels are funnier here than they were in Garfield.

January 20, 2005

Irish Dick Update

For those of you that are interested in this sort of thing, searches for 'Colin Farrell's Cock' now make up about a fifth of all my click-through traffic, and fully two thirds of all my search referrals (possibly because I keep mentioning Colin Farrell's cock). It's hard to estimate, but I think I get about one hit a day just from people looking for Colin Farrell's cock-- and, this week, one from somebody who is either very sick or very confused, looking for Will Farrell's cock.

You may now return to your everyday business.

January 19, 2005

Caption Competition!



My Photoshop-equipped laptop is in the shop, so no speech bubbles today. Instead, I invite you to provide your own captions to the above picture. I'll get you started:

"In my left hand, gentlemen, is the United States. In my right, an outpost of tyranny. When you put the two together... BLAMMO!"

Bonus points will be awarded to anybody who can avoid making a reference to breasts.

In other news, The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reports that Bush says he feels the weight of history.

Quoth the President: "Man! This stuff is heavy!"

January 18, 2005

We Deliver Impressive-Sounding Gobbledygook

As a member of Golden Key, the International Honour Society (or, as Alison likes to call it, "Genius Club"), I am privy to a great number of fantastic job opportunities. Or so they tell me. (Incidentally, considering the VP communications' email username is 'nsyncgirl233', I think 'Genius Club' is overstating the case, somewhat.)

Today I got an email advertising a summer job at McKinsey & Company, a consulting firm. I've been toying with the idea of staying in Montreal for the summer, so I followed the link and took a look at the details.

"We are looking for people who demonstrate capabilities in the following areas...: Achieving"

Hey, I can achieve! Sign me up! Say, what is it that you guys do, anyway?

"What remains constant is our goal: to deliver impact for our client that is both lasting and meaningful."

'Hello, I'd like some impact, please. And don't try and con me with any of that impact without meaning-- I want impact that is meaningful all the way.'

I don't know about "driving distinctive client impact" (what does that even mean? Running them down with a customized car?), but I'm considering applying just for the potential blog material.

January 14, 2005

Conversations With Greatness XIV



Those 19th century thinkers sure did love reading Cosmo!

I'm going to need to start looking up Roman numerals, soon.

January 13, 2005

Atrocities

From NetscapeCelebrity, and BBC News: Prince Harry Dressed as Nazi for Costume Party

People all over the world have today expressed outrage after pictures of Prince Harry in full Nazi regalia were published in the press.

For those unsure of who the Nazis were, the Netscape article explains:

"The Nazis murdered six million Jews and millions of others including Poles, homosexuals, Soviet prisoners and Gypsies. Millions more were imprisoned or forced to work as slaves."

Man, how did I miss that?

Particularly vocal in attacking the prince's actions was the former royal press secretary, Dickie Arbiter (who, with a name like that, couldn't really have any other job, could he?). Tory leader Michael Howard has also called for a public apology, while others have flat out claimed that the prince should be sent to Auschwitz (but just so he can reflect upon what's he done, presumably).

Man, the royal family are great.

January 12, 2005

Hot News Story: Company Tries to Match Competitors' Prices



In a move inexplicably construed as ground-breaking, Apple Computer, Inc., yesterday announced the release of a new computer that would cost roughly the same as most (and, indeed, more than many) other computers made by its competitors.

CEO and creepy recluse Steve Jobs made the announcement at this year's Macworld convention, in his characteristic attire: a black turtleneck surgically welded to his body, and creative-genius-looking designer stubble. He also sported a new iPod shuffle on a string around his neck, effectively removing every shred of cool which Apple's industrial designers had worked for months to inject.

Jobs' speech consisted mainly of the words "breakthrough", "incredible" and "innovative" repeated over and over again, not necessarily in syntactically meaningful ways.

I make fun, of course, but I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I have already considered buying a Macmini. I think I'm going to hold off until it's shipping with 10.4 installed.

Heh. If someone was a disciple of Steve Jobs, would that make them a Jobbie?

January 09, 2005

Gee, I've Been Going About This All Wrong

Seen, as usual, on Netscape:



So, if one of the top ways to turn OFF women is to NOT forget to zip up your fly, it follows that one of the top ways to turn ON women is to walk around with your fly gaping open? Isn't that one of the top ways to get arrested?

At least I know there's a job as a proofreader waiting for me when I graduate...

January 07, 2005

Conversations With Greatness XIII



My blog received a surge of over 300 hits yesterday from people searching for 'Patrick Deuel', as the pseudo-celebrity is about to be released from hospital. On the bright side, this has at least made the 5 or 6 hits a day I was getting from people searching for 'Colin Farrell's cock' seem less significant.

January 04, 2005

Happy Effing New Year

So, I know I keep promising that I'll be back up to regular posting speed very soon. And the last time I said it, I really meant it, too. But instead, what happened was that my laptop decided to have a nervous breakdown, and I've spent the last couple of days transferring files to my trusty old MacClamshell so that my newer laptop can get sent away to Betty Ford for computers.

This means I've really not been able to do much blogging, nor will I be able to do as much as normal over the next little while. Which is just as well, really, because the only thing in the news right now is the tsunami disaster in Asia and I don't think I would feel right making jokes about that (though, if any other bloggers are reading and want a good post title: 'Water-Blogged'. Am I right, folks?)

Also, did you know that the FCC stipulates that the word 'fuck' should never, ever be broadcast on radio or television anywhere in the United States? You know what this means, people: it's up to us and the Goddamn fucking internet to teach profanity to the little bastard children of today. Go forth and cuss!

Finally, a finding from a telephone survey about blogging conducted at the end of last year:

"Blog creators were likely to be young, well-educated, net-savvy males with good incomes and college educations, the survey found."

Poppycock. (I also like how they distinguish "well-educated" from having a college education.)