February 27, 2005

You Know You've Been On Vacation Too Long When...

I was bored this evening and decided to Google myself, since it's been a while since I've done so.

And, of course, there were all the boring Andrew Ladds out there that everybody knows about-- the composer in Britain, the fantastically successful hockey player, the scientologist, and so forth. But I also found:

1. An Andrew Ladd who obviously fancies himself a music critic, except that's he's obviously not that critical because he absolutely loved Nelly Furtado's first album. Now, normally, this wouldn't bother me, only I keep a musicblog and I wouldn't want people thinking that I endorsed Nelly Furtado's first album in any way (especially not to the point where I think I'm in love with her, which is how this guy seems to feel).

2. An Andrew Ladd who's a computer scientist at Rice University and, oddly, earned his BSc at McGill (at least I now know the reason my DAS username is 'andrew.ladd2').

3. An Andrew Ladd who wants to be Gandalf. He's reviewed a staff for an online staff-n-swords store:

"The shaft is solid and so is the crown. You can even do the cool spinny move that Gandalf does on the walls of Minas Tirith . . . Over all [sic], it is a real winner, and if you are unsure of wheather [sic] you should get it, DO IT; you will not be dissapointed [sic]."

Man, this guy's spelling makes me sic. HA!

Also, this was kind of creepy.

I bet this wasn't nearly as entertaining for people not called Andrew Ladd as it was for me.

February 26, 2005

Arrested Developments

From ABC News: Martha Stewart Leaves Prison Next Weekend:

"KATONAH, N.Y. Feb 25, 2005 — She will be able to return to work and start drawing her $900,000 salary again . . . Martha Stewart will also be wearing the must-have accessory for the convicted felon on the go: an electronic anklet that will allow authorities to monitor her movements . . .

Probation authorities will use the anklet and random phone calls to enforce the ban on going outside during non-working hours."

'Hi there-- is that Peter Smith of Detroit? I'm calling from the New York State Bureau of Probation... Do you think Martha Stewart is still observing the conditions of her house arrest? You do? Okay, thanks a lot.' [click]

'...And a large pepperoni. No, that's all. Yup... By the way, do you think Martha Stewart is still at home? Yeah? Okay, great. Thanks. And remember, if you're not here in half an hour my pizza's free.' [click]

'Hello, Mary Johnson? Mary Johnson of Sioux Falls, Iowa? I'm calling to see whether Martha Stewart is still under house arrest. What?! She's gone to K-Mart?! Dammit! I better get over there!' [click]

That would be the best job ever.

February 25, 2005

Conversations With Greatness XX

I have nothing witty to say. :-(

February 24, 2005

Department of Tautological Marketing

Just noticed the following on the back of my shampoo bottle:

"Replenishes moisture and revitalises hair-- for less than more expensive brands."

Also, it cleans more effectively than less effective brands.

Yes! I knew reading my shampoo bottles would yield comic gold, eventually.

February 23, 2005

If Ricki Lake Did a Show For Rich People...

From Netscape Celebrity: Lawsuit Alleges Sean Connery Is a Bully

A Manhattan ophthamologist has brought a $30 million lawsuit against roguish actor and shilly-voished fellow Edinburgher, Sean Connery. The legal papers claim that the former Bond "acts the part in real life of a bully who ignores norms of neighbourliness and decency."

Dr Burton Sultan, who lives with his wife and daughters in the bottom four floors of an East Side townhouse, alleges that Connery (who owns the top two floors of the building) disturbs the good doctor's family by "playing loud music at all hours and stomping about."

Hey, Richie McWhinerson, here's an idea-- if your upstairs neighbour is being loud, why don't you go down into one of three other fucking floors you own, eh?

The actor also stands accused of conducting renovations on his portion of the building continuously for the past three and a half years, causing water to leak into Dr Burton's apartment and damage his "collection of Victorian and early 20th century wicker furniture".

In a statement, Dr Burton elaborated: "I mean, where am I supposed to sit and eat my foie gras, now? Without my wicker furniture, my four-floor Manhattan townhouse might as well be a two-bedroom Upper West Side apartment. *spits over shoulder* People just can't live like this, you know."

The last straw was when Burton's daughter Marla went upstairs to ask Connery to be quiet. Opening the door looking like "a fat old man", the 13th greatest living movie star over 50 responded to the girl's request for quiet by "cursing and otherwise using indecent language . . . demean[ing] Marla's father, refus[ing] to lower the noise and slamm[ing] the door in her face."

Mr Connery then pooped in a paper bag and left it burning outside the Burtons' front door.

ARGHGGHAHGAHH!!! If any legal system awards Dr Burton any money at all (never mind $30 million!), my soul will sob for weeks.

February 21, 2005


From BBC NEWS | World: Bush hints he 'tried marijuana'

Bush's White House tenure is now official with the release of allegations that the president has tried marijuana.

Tapes leaked to the press by a formed Bush aide reveal the President explaining why he wouldn't answer questions about his hazy past:

"I don't want some little kid doing what I tried . . . Do you want your little kid to say 'Hey daddy, President Bush tried marijuana, I think I will'?"

Apparently, though, this is okay:

"Hey daddy, President Bush hates gays, says condoms are evil, and bombs whoever he doesn't like. I think I'll do all that, too."


February 18, 2005

Conversations With Greatness XIX

Hooray for reading week! Hooray for improv shows in Hudson! Hooray for Toronto! Hooray for marginally less reading to do than usual!

February 16, 2005

Pic and Mix

Because it's been a while...

Marc Anthony serenades wife J-Lo at this year's Grammys:

Meanwhile, Gwen Stefani and her dancers re-enact a scene from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (what's weird is that the dancer on the left even kind of looks like Dan Marino):

And, somewhere in Britain...

Now, midterm studying!

February 15, 2005

Seek Rest, Ryan

As I finished up my dinner this evening, I watched a couple of minutes of American Idol. The following two soundbites were enough to put me off:

"The atmosphere was a mix of anxiety and nervous anticipation."

Whoa! Anxiety and nervous anticipation?! Were they uneasy, too? Whatever for?

"They were battling to face the toughest critic of them all: America."

Yeah, I hear that whoever doesn't make it through this series gets invaded.

Sigh... Back to work.

February 13, 2005

First AIDS

From BBC NEWS | Health: HIV 'could destroy cancer cells'

Can you imagine trying to sell this to a patient?

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: I'll take the bad news first.
D: You have cancer of the everything.
P: Oh my god. I... I... The everything?
D: Don't worry, there's good news, too.
P: What's that?
D: We've developed a cure for cancer.
P: What? Holy crap! That's incredible! What is it?
D: We're going to give you HIV!
P: Ummm...
D: You don't seem overjoyed.
P: Well... Isn't HIV kind of, uh, fatal?
D: Not this HIV. We've genetically engineered it!
P: Oh.
D: And everybody knows that there are no gaps in biological knowledge about the consequences of genetic engineering!
P: HIV, though? Really?
D: Oh, don't be such a scaredy-cat. Now come on, roll up your sleeve, we'll inject it now.
D: [turns around] Wha..?

[Patient runs from the room]

D: Come back! You forgot your Ebola supplements!


February 11, 2005

Conversations With Greatness XVIII

I could go on like this forever.

February 10, 2005

Top of the Popes

From Netscape News: Pope 'Cured' of Illness

(Papal spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls, right, talks with two Vatican security officers who look to be about as old as the Pope himself.)

The Vatican announced today that poorly pontiff John Paul II had been miraculously "cured" of the respiratory illness that has plagued him for the last ten days.

"I do deCLAYah!" said Navarro-Valls (no relation to former Red Hot Chili Pepper). "He has been CUE-ahed! Because he BELIEVES! I placed my hand upon his head and I PRAYED to God, I said, 'GOD! CUE-ah this MAN!'. So, you know... he did."

The Pope hopes to return to his Apostolic Palace (TM) later today and rest so that he can be back to full health for the Vatican's annual Easter egg hunt at the end of next month.

February 09, 2005

Il Se (Chre)tient Mal

From BBC NEWS | World | Americas: Canada ex-PM faces funds scandal

Yesterday the relatively placid world of Canadian politics was rocked as ex-Prime Minister Jean Chretien took the stand at an official inquiry and defended himself against allegations of... fund misuse.

Man, Canadian political scandals are SOOOO boring! Why can't you guys accuse the Vatican of having biological weapons or something? (I mean, come on: why else would the Pope be so sick, all of a sudden? He's been working in mobile bio-weapon laboratories! Think about it.)

While in power, Chretien was given CAD 188 million (about $3 American) to 'promote national unity', after the famed 1995 referendum in Quebec which revealed that everybody was getting pretty tired of Toronto.

But Canada's auditor-general has said that at least half of that money was redirected towards agencies linked with Chretien's party in exchange for, well... a couple of neckties and some corkscrews.

Chretien acknoweledged to the inquiry that mistakes had been made and anybody who had been complicit in the scheme should be punished. Then, adjusting his Canadian-flag-emblazoned necktie, the ex-PM smiled lop-sidedly and assured everyone present that he had never knowingly done anything illegal.

"Those mistakes that were made in good faith can be excused," Chretien told the inquiry. "That's what the law says, n'est pas?"

Seduced by his old-world charm, the inquiry ruffled Mr Chretien's thinning hair and took him out for some poutine to celebrate.

Tomorrow, current Prime Minister Paul Martin will testify, and will probably be blamed for everything. Commented one official: "He just looks so... so... so slimy, you know? It must be his fault."

February 08, 2005

Department of Ham-Fisted Allegory

Two things happened to me since last night. One: I watched 24 (of course). Two: I read about Secretary of State Rice's visit to Paris, which included a picture of her stepping from an airplane looking ever-so slightly power mad.

And it occurred to me: do you think it's a coincidence that one of the characters in this season of 24 is a relatively young black woman who wears snappy suits and is evil, conniving and power hungry? Just as Ms Rice is clawing her way into the cabinet? Hmmm? Mmm-hmm? Hmmm?

Ooh, 24, you're SO contraversial!

February 07, 2005

Ripped From the Headlines

Now, I'm no Dr Phil, but I feel like there may be a common solution to these two problems.

February 06, 2005

They Just Want Their Mummies

From Netscape News: Four Egyptians Are Kidnapped in Iraq

Workers from an Egyption telecom company have been reported kidnapped in Iraq. However, following last week's hoax kidnapping, in which terrorists released a photo of a 'hostage' that later turned out to be an action figure, Iraqi police are skeptical about this new claim; particularly after receiving this alleged photograph of the four Egyptian hostages:

Nyuk nyuk.

February 04, 2005

Conversations With Greatness XVII

It's the 4th. It's a Friday. That means... VAGANZA!

Eep, I'm exhausted already.

February 03, 2005

Children, Cover Your Ears

From Netscape News: US General Says It Is 'Fun to Shoot Some People'

At a conference on Tuesday in San Diego, Lt. Gen. James Mattis made the comment that "It's quite fun to fight 'em, you know. It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right up front with you, I like brawling."

Well, somebody wants Rumsfeld's job.

Mattis continued (oh, yes, there's more): "You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil."

Also, I hear they all wear towels on their heads, right? Jesus.

"Guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them." Mattis then bit the head off a live mouse and flung the bloody remains at the press corps.

The Commandant of the Marine Corps, Gen. Michael Hagee, has revealed that Mattis will not be disciplined for his remarks, describing the Lt. Gen. as "one of this country's bravest and most experienced military leaders."

Gen. Hagee then snickered quietly to himself for several seconds before continuing.

"I . . . know he intended to reflect the unfortunate and harsh realities of war. You know: harsh realities. Like, the fact that our senior commanders couldn't tell a Muslim from a Jeep, and are happy as pigs in shit about that."

Hagee explained that he had counselled Mattis about his remarks; a Marine spokesman later declined to specify how Mattis had been counselled, other than that neither of the men would be able to sit down for a week, and that "they had to throw out the bong, afterwards."

Mattis will be played by Harrison Ford in the upcoming movie No True Glory, a heartwarming feel-good flick about the April battle for Fallujah.

February 02, 2005

Cheat Sheet

From Netscape Love: Why Women Cheat

How refreshing! Finally, an article in the popular media about infidelity that doesn't explain it using sloppy evolutionary psychology! So, what are the five reasons that women cheat?

1. "You stopped paying attention"
2. "You changed... or your relationship did"
3. "You cheated on her"
4. "The grass is always greener"

Nothing too contraversial so far, right? Then, BAM!, it finishes up with:

5. "She's just evil."


February 01, 2005

Is This Getting Old Yet?

I guess this explains why we don't see Captain Kirk around here anymore.