February 23, 2005

If Ricki Lake Did a Show For Rich People...

From Netscape Celebrity: Lawsuit Alleges Sean Connery Is a Bully

A Manhattan ophthamologist has brought a $30 million lawsuit against roguish actor and shilly-voished fellow Edinburgher, Sean Connery. The legal papers claim that the former Bond "acts the part in real life of a bully who ignores norms of neighbourliness and decency."

Dr Burton Sultan, who lives with his wife and daughters in the bottom four floors of an East Side townhouse, alleges that Connery (who owns the top two floors of the building) disturbs the good doctor's family by "playing loud music at all hours and stomping about."

Hey, Richie McWhinerson, here's an idea-- if your upstairs neighbour is being loud, why don't you go down into one of three other fucking floors you own, eh?

The actor also stands accused of conducting renovations on his portion of the building continuously for the past three and a half years, causing water to leak into Dr Burton's apartment and damage his "collection of Victorian and early 20th century wicker furniture".

In a statement, Dr Burton elaborated: "I mean, where am I supposed to sit and eat my foie gras, now? Without my wicker furniture, my four-floor Manhattan townhouse might as well be a two-bedroom Upper West Side apartment. *spits over shoulder* People just can't live like this, you know."

The last straw was when Burton's daughter Marla went upstairs to ask Connery to be quiet. Opening the door looking like "a fat old man", the 13th greatest living movie star over 50 responded to the girl's request for quiet by "cursing and otherwise using indecent language . . . demean[ing] Marla's father, refus[ing] to lower the noise and slamm[ing] the door in her face."

Mr Connery then pooped in a paper bag and left it burning outside the Burtons' front door.

ARGHGGHAHGAHH!!! If any legal system awards Dr Burton any money at all (never mind $30 million!), my soul will sob for weeks.

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