February 09, 2005

Il Se (Chre)tient Mal

From BBC NEWS | World | Americas: Canada ex-PM faces funds scandal

Yesterday the relatively placid world of Canadian politics was rocked as ex-Prime Minister Jean Chretien took the stand at an official inquiry and defended himself against allegations of... fund misuse.

Man, Canadian political scandals are SOOOO boring! Why can't you guys accuse the Vatican of having biological weapons or something? (I mean, come on: why else would the Pope be so sick, all of a sudden? He's been working in mobile bio-weapon laboratories! Think about it.)

While in power, Chretien was given CAD 188 million (about $3 American) to 'promote national unity', after the famed 1995 referendum in Quebec which revealed that everybody was getting pretty tired of Toronto.

But Canada's auditor-general has said that at least half of that money was redirected towards agencies linked with Chretien's party in exchange for, well... a couple of neckties and some corkscrews.

Chretien acknoweledged to the inquiry that mistakes had been made and anybody who had been complicit in the scheme should be punished. Then, adjusting his Canadian-flag-emblazoned necktie, the ex-PM smiled lop-sidedly and assured everyone present that he had never knowingly done anything illegal.

"Those mistakes that were made in good faith can be excused," Chretien told the inquiry. "That's what the law says, n'est pas?"

Seduced by his old-world charm, the inquiry ruffled Mr Chretien's thinning hair and took him out for some poutine to celebrate.

Tomorrow, current Prime Minister Paul Martin will testify, and will probably be blamed for everything. Commented one official: "He just looks so... so... so slimy, you know? It must be his fault."


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