March 08, 2005

Hopefully Hugh Grant Will Be Available...

I missed this at the time (thankfully, because I didn't have a blog in which I could have lambasted it back then), but in 2001 USA Today ran an article from which this excerpt is taken:

"CBS has been pitched a new romantic comedy about a couple who lost their spouses in the World Trade Center attacks, says network president Les Moonves, who hasn't ruled out the idea."

I think I'm going to send them my own pilot. It'll be called A Wedding and Almost Four Thousand Funerals. (And if you think it's tasteless to make light of the WTC attacks, well... That's the point, innit?)

[Int. scene: an implausibly large apartment in midtown Manhattan. Betty, a woman, sits on a couch in the middle of the room, reading. The door opens, and Sam, her partner in grief, enters]

Sam: Honey, I'm home!
Betty: Oh, Sam, I...
Sam: Hey, who are you calling Osama?

[SFX: audience laughter]

Betty: I wasn't calling you Osama, I was just going to say [enunciating clearly:] 'Oh . . . Sam, I'm glad you're home.' Do we really have to go through this every day?
Sam: I'm sorry, honey. It's just... Ever since I lost my first wife in the World Trade Centre attacks...
Betty: It's okay, Sam, I know how you feel. Remember, I lost my husband in the World Trade Centre attacks, too.

[SFX: audience 'awwww'ing]

Sam: But just imagine... If we both hadn't tried to sue the airlines for what happened, we never would have met.
Betty: Yeah, we were United by Airlines.

[SFX: audience laughter]

Sam: What's for dinner, anyway, sweetie?
Betty: Well, I thought we could have some roast ham and...
Sam: Hey, you called me Osama again! What did I just tell you about that?!
Betty: Dammit, Sam! I was just trying to say [enunciating clearly:] 'roast . . . ham . . . and . . . potatoes'.
Sam: Oh. Sorry.
Betty: Anyway, as I was saying, it's ham and potatoes for dinner. But that'll take a while, do you want something to snack on, now?
Sam: Sure, what is there?
Betty: Well, I picked up some hummus at the supermarket today...
Sam: [roars] HUMMUS?! That sounds like terrorist food to me!
Betty: Oh, Sam, a lot . . .
Sam: AND STOP CALLING ME OSAMA!!!!

[SFX: audience laughter]

[Cut to: title sequence. Slow-mo clips play of the WTC towers getting hit by planes and collpasing, interspersed with clips of Sam and Betty doing characteristically hilarious things. The theme music, Kelly Clarkson's "Beautiful Disaster", plays throughout]

[Fin.]

4 Comments:

At 8/3/05 18:33, Blogger Mariana said...

"If it fits the show and is done in good taste, absolutely," Moonves says. "This thing has affected the whole country."What I think he's trying to say, Andrew, is that your pilot is being picked up. Matt LeBlanc will play Sam, and Kirstie Allen will play Betty.

 
At 8/3/05 18:34, Blogger Mariana said...

Whoa! That's a squashed state of affairs. Sorry, that's what happens when you don't preview.

 
At 9/3/05 19:17, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok you see what you just did Andrew? I am sitting here in the library alone and I just laughed out loud...all alone. Now everyone thinks I am crazy. Thanks a lot!

Maryam

 
At 15/3/05 23:51, Blogger Andrew said...

Mariana: How can Matt LeBlanc play Sam? He's bound to be doing Joey for at least another five years, right? That show's not getting cancelled, right? Right?!

Maryam: Maybe you are crazy!

 

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