December 08, 2005

Department of Wah-wah-wahing

I was scouting for blog material this morning, and the headline, "You think you've got it bad? Try being rich!" seemed fairly likely to yield pay dirt. Boy, did it ever!

So, from MSN Money: It Hurts To Be Rich

"So, you think things are tough for middle-income workers and the poor?"

Those whiny bastards? You must be joking.

Well, apparently, the "plight" of the affluent is even worse: the 'CLEW Index' (or 'Cost of Living Extremely Well Index') has risen an alarming 4% this year, more than the 3.6% increase in the normal Consumer Price Index. Basically, this means that Loaded McRicherson will have to pay a shocking $1,559 for a case of Dom Perignon, this year (as opposed to the much more reasonable $1,444 he had to pay last year).

But guess what? This is all very good news! See, the economy is guided by what we in the know call 'the invisible law of supply and demand hands', which makes sure that everything works out perfectly all the time, as long as nobody does anything to help poor people.

This means that, if the price of luxury goods is going up, there must be more demand for them! Ipso facto, there must be more rich people around, and the "empty-glass brigade" is just full of small-violin shit.

Never mind that an increase in rich people does not, ceteris paribus, mean that there is a corresponding decrease in poor people. In fact, quite the opposite: that extra money has to be coming from somewhere, and it sure ain't the Hamptons.

But not according to syndicated columnist Scott Burns! Quoth his article:

"As long as luxury goods are inflating faster than the regular stuff, the economy is cooking. There is a good chance that just about everyone is doing OK."

Are you SHITTING me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?! If you're reading this, Scott Burns, I hope you choke on your caviar and turn as blue as your imported silk tie.

God, what is wrong with the world?


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