January 24, 2006

Total Eclipse of the Heart Condition

From ABC News: Man Has Cardiac Arrest at Cardiologist Ball:

"SANTA BARBARA, Calif. Jan 24, 2006— An elderly man collapsed from cardiac arrest in a ballroom packed with cardiologists and other doctors attending an American Heart Association fundraiser.

'If you have to go down, that was the place, I guess,' said Dr. Richard Westerman, a cardiologist who helped save the man."

Are you kidding me? That is like, the worst place to have a cardiac arrest!

[Scene: $250-a-plate cardiologist ball; music, dancing, quiet buzz of conversation. All of a sudden, a man keels over, clutching at his chest]

Woman: Oh my God!! Somebody, call for help!
Westerman [striding purposefully over]: No need to panic, ma'am. I'm a cardiologist. Everybody, step back, I know how to handle this.
Goldberg [grabbing Westerman by the arm]: Not so fast, Westerman! We all know your track record on emergency cases. I'll handle this!
Westerman: Goldberg, you snivelling weasel! Don't try and pretend like this has to do with anything other than your contempt for the way I woo away your elderly clients with the Matlock tapes playing in my waiting room!
Goldberg: Ah-ha! So you admit it, you talentless hack!
Paulson [stepping in]: Okay, fellows, let's not forget there's someone in cardiac arrest here. Stand aside, and let me save this man's life.
Clemens: That's a good joke, Paulson. These two might be bickering crones, but at least they're semi-competent crones. You couldn't stop a cardiac arrest if it jumped up and stopped your heart function.
Paulson: Clemens, you vainglorious moron! I've performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation on more patients than you've kissed girls!
Westerman: Gentlemen, please, you are getting in the way of my work.
Paulson: Dammit, was no one keeping an eye on Westerman?! He's started compressions!
Higgins [interrupting]: Stop that immediately, Westerman! Can't you see this is no cardiac arrest?! This man is clearly suffering from aortic dissection!

[group laughs]

Goldberg: Oh, Higgins, you bumbling kook.
Paulson [wiping tears of laughter from his eyes]: Aortic dissection! Ha!
Westerman: Fellows, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have tried to hog all the glory here. We're all friends. Goldberg, go ahead and start this man's heart, again.
Goldberg: Oh, no, I couldn't possibly. You were doing such a good job.
Westerman: No, really, I insist.
Clemens: Come along, Goldberg, don't be shy.
Goldberg: Well, I don't know, I...
Higgins: I'll do it!
Paulson: Oh, do shut up, Higgins.
Goldberg: ...I mean, if you really don't mind...

[Patient lets out one, final gasp, and expires]



At 24/1/06 10:11, Blogger Sean said...

Your writing assignment: Revise that until it is only five lines, but twice as funny.

At 24/1/06 11:56, Blogger Andrew said...

Oh, sod off, Mr I-Think-I'll-Write-A-Few-Thousand-Words-About-One-Song. :-p

At 25/1/06 05:47, Blogger Sean said...

hey, i didn't say -I- would be able to manage it. i can't even write a limerick without spending a few thousand words.

At 25/1/06 11:46, Blogger Andrew said...

Ha-ha, a limerick by Sean, I like the sound of that:

There once was a crackling kiss, a really truthful, crystalline kiss, that jumps up behind you when you're walking in the rain/
That fell, fluttering from a mountain of insurmountable joyousness, into the plink-plonk of an old, out-of-tune piano/
But a buttery violin, playing in the darkness, the damp darkness/
Saves us from the creeping despair brought by the fade of the final chorus/
And [joke about the size of the kiss's penis].


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