June 01, 2006

Reasons Jon Stewart Should Be My Friend #1,443,442

I was watching the Colbert Report this evening, and I was shocked, appalled, offended, etc., to see that they were doing jokes about SkyMall. SkyMall!!

(SkyMall, for those of you who don't know, is a mail order catalogue that is distributed exclusively on domestic flights within North America. It is full of some of the most ridiculous products and product pitches known to man.)

Now, why does this offend me? Because, I was doing SkyMall jokes seven damn years ago! And where's my TV show? Where are my fame, respect, and creepy fans? As proof of my ahead-of-the-gameness, I offer you this pre-blog rant, written when I was but a cherub-faced sixteen-year-old:

"There comes a time in every stand-up comedian's (or in this case writer's) life when they do a "bit" about mail order catalogues. I thought that I would do mine now and get it out of the way so that I can devote my professional life to things more worthwhile . . .

So anyway, on to the catalogue. I will be looking at SkyMall, which is distributed by Delta Air Lines on all of their flights.

The first thing that really caught my eye was the barbecue fork with built in 'doneness tester'. Put the fork into your meat, and "an LED will indicate: rare, medium-rare, medium, medium-well, well, and pork/poultry." Blimey. You know you've cooked your steak too long when it turns into chicken! I can just imagine the poor witless yuppie standing there saying to himself: 'Wait a minute . . . this isn't steak at all! I've been duped!'.

The next gem was thus: A wind-up radio which is "Y2K Compliant". Hang on a sec. It's a wind-up radio. Just exactly what components does it contain that could potentially fall victim to the Millennium Bug? The last time I checked, Y2K couldn't snap plastic handles . . .

Moving swiftly on, we come to the Snuggle Ball. Basically a bean bag for your cat or dog, but I was amused by the blurb: "It's a perfect marriage of animal instinct and bedding design." My cat has always liked sitting on our beanbag . . . now I know why.

The next one is possibly my favourite. It's a back support vest designed specifically for women. Doesn't sound terribly interesting, but listen to this: "If some of your daily activities include driving, working at a desk, lifting groceries (or children), gardening, vacuuming or EVEN doing laundry (capitalisation mine), you need the Cincher." Bloody hell, woman; screw the vest, you need a maid! Especially if you have to do the laundry AS WELL as working at a desk.

Well, that's all. I hope my brief digression into the wild world of catalogue bashing has been entertaining and enlightening for you. Now, I have to go talk to a butcher about some supposed steak..."

Now, I know what you're all thinking: 'Gosh, Andrew hasn't changed a bit since he was sixteen!' So tell me, was I precocious then or am I just immature now?


PS. Sweet Georgia Jones. From my unofficial university transcript:

"Bachelor of Arts Granted: May 2006
Honours Sociology
Minor Concentration Ital Lang & Lit
First Class Honours in Sociology
Dean's Honour List
David N. Solomon Memorial Prize"

I am gradu-ma-goddamn-tated! Go me!


At 1/6/06 15:58, Anonymous Mariana said...


Seriously, that's very impressive, good job.

And if you want me to have sex dreams about your 16-year-old self, just ask. Remember, it's not "creepy" when I do it, it's "empowered".

I'll see you in Boston. *finger twirl*

At 2/6/06 15:54, Blogger Andrew said...

Thanks, though for the record I'd prefer you not to empower yourself that way.


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